Revisit Past Dramas
Once Upon a December12/23/2017 It has been years, and yet the changes are still permanent. Others may be excited about the prospect of the oncoming holiday cheer. But not me, the holidays have a different effect on me. Others feel happiness, I feel an onslaught of pain.
It has always been like this for me ever since. I thought it will be gone soon, this feeling of pain brought about by memories I thought were long gone. For eleven months I feel no pain, no emotion except for one month, December. This is the month I fear the most. The only time of the year that I feel everything, The only month I get to have feelings. Suddenly I would feel love for friends, family, and even strangers, pain from old wounds resurface. December is the time of the year I suffer quietly alone. I know it's strange for me to feel this way. I didn't want it to be this way either, it just happened. What am I to do? No one will understand this personal struggle, not even me. It's very dangerous to have these thoughts I know. Unfortunately, all I could do is hope that December ends as fast as it can.
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unexplainable3/6/2015 There are no words ( well i'm sue there is I just haven't found them yet) that could express how i'm feeling good thing Sam Smith already made it to mainstream music or else I don't know...
Lay Me Down by Sam Smith Yes I do, I believe That one day I will be, where I was Right there, right next to you And it's hard, the days just seem so dark The moon, and the stars, are nothing without you Your touch, your skin, where do I begin? No words can explain, the way I'm missing you The night, this emptiness, this hole that I'm inside These tears, they tell their own story You told me not to cry when you were gone But the feeling's overwhelming, it's much too strong Can I lay by your side, next to you, you And make sure you're alright I'll take care of you And I don't want to be here if I can't be with you tonight I'm reaching out to you Can you hear my call? (Who's to say you won't hear me?) This hurt that I've been through I'm missing you, missing you like crazy You told me not to cry when you were gone But the feeling's overwhelming, it's much too strong Can I lay by your side, next to you, you And make sure you're alright I'll take care of you And I don't wanna be here if I can't be with you tonight Lay me down tonight, lay me by your side Lay me down tonight, lay me by your side Can I lay by your side, next to you, you Songwriters SMITH, SAM / NAPIER, JAMES / SMITH, ELVIN Published by Lyrics © Sony/ATV Music Publishing LLC, Universal Music Publishing Group Orson's Farm: the road to Depression12/22/2014 I have been so busy at work, imagine working with a supertyphoon for 2 days, then your boss will announce that unfortunately pre- shift OTs will be implemented. You will be at the office for almost 12 hours hearing nothing but unanswered calls worrying about targets, then repeat for two weeks. So when I had the chance to file for a leave (without pay) for the holidays I took advantage of it of course.
What I didn't expect was the extent of my problems' effect on me. Before I went to work, I was like Bella in New Moon when Edward left her. I was staring blankly in space. I didn't have any appetite, I would be in my room crying my eyes out, I sleep early now, not because of habit but because my eyes were too tired from all the crying. I even had desperate thoughts in my mind. Before I wanted to slash my wrists and start using illegal drugs. Now, I wanted to hurl myself off on an oncoming train. I was probably tired of that new persona I created especially for work. There is this stabbing pain in my heart, I do know where it comes from and it's so hard and painful to continue on life like this. How could a person that I have loved so much, make me feel this pain? How could a person whose flaws I have accepted and loved not give me a chance when I asked for it? It's not that I am counting off the things I have done wrong vs. the the things he did wrong, but it's just so hard to understand. Why did I get replaced? Because I wasn't there? Because I didn't have the time? Yes I know it was my fault. But is that enough reason to reach out and flirt with another person and fall in love? It's not that I was enjoying my time alone without him, The time I couldn't spend with him was mostly spent on thinking and worrying about if he has enough time to rest, if he has been eating right, if he has time to enjoy his life. Yeah, sure it was my fault I am not the communicating type. It was my fault that every time we had time to talk we end up arguing. I did explain my side of the story and he said he understands. If only I had known that understanding meant, he would just reach out and flirt with another, I wouldn't be trying so hard balancing my love with my ambitions. Then I would just find out that I have been too late, that there is nothing I could do. I didn't even had the chance to show him that I love him so much. Then he goes and tells me, that his world doesn't revolve around me anymore, that he has been avoiding me because he hopes that I would just forget him, that he is tired of me and that now I must go on with life alone, . Plus I have seen him flirt with that girl and I know that I would never ever be able to compete with her. She's obviously prettier and more sociable, probably smarter, and bonus points to the fact that when he contacts her she can text right away because she never had problems loading, and she has no problems going place to place because her parents would allow her to go to all the places she likes, very not like me. I would have to always try to avoid my parents every time I had to go to his place when he needs my presence. I don't know how long I can do this, i'm sure as hell I wouldn't be able to do what he has just done. I couldn't just move on with another guy, that is just not me, even with material things like clothes or shoes, I always stick to what I want, and as of the moment he is what I want. No other person will ever be able to compete with him in my heart in the same way I wouldn't be expected to win against his new object of affection. I have tried so many times in the past to drive him out of my system, if I wasn't able to do it before how could I be expected to do it this time? Orson's Farm: the Death of Me12/18/2014 There is no way I would be able to survive this the "Shan Cai" way. Kahit anong gawin ko para ipaglaban yung nararamdaman ko tatanggihan nya pa rin ako. Alam ko kasi nangyari na to dati. Naulit na to e, nandito na naman kasi sa point na ako lang yung may gusto sa kanya. Yung kahit anong gawin kong papansin sa kanya walang effect or worse balewala lang. Kaya ano pa nga bang magagawa kung kindi ang maging si Bella. Si Bella na nakatingin lang sa malayo. Si Bella na ang pwede lang gawin ay mag imagine na nasa tabi nya si Edward kahit hindi totoo.
Nung una kong nabasa yung Twilight, nakita ko na, na ako si Bella at sya yung Edward ko. Tingin lang ang pwede kong gawin, hindi ako pwedeng lumapit sa kanya kahit gustong- gusto ko. Sa di malamang kadahilanan kasi pag lalapit ako lumalayo sya. Ngayong nandito na ko sa part na iniwan na ko ni Edward, lahat ng pinagdaanan ni Bella, pinagdadaanan ko na rin. Umaalis ako ng bahay ng tulala, bigla na lang akong umiiyak habang bumabyahe, sya lang ang iniisip ko kahit office hours. Minsan makita ko lang yung pangalan nya kahit hindi sya yun, naiiyak na ko kasi alam ko sa sarili ko na handa ankong ipagpalit lahat ng meron ako ngayon, makasama ko lang ulit sya. Maraming tao ang nagsasabi gamitin ang utak wag ang puso. Sorry na lang kayo kasi yung puso at isip ko united, iisa ang gusto, Sya. Bago matulog sa gabi, naiisip ko sya, habang natutulog ako sya lang palagi ang nasa panaginip ko, pag nagising ako sya lang din ulit maiiisip ko. Ang sabi sa school maraming sides ang isang tao. Ako iisa na lang ang side ko, kasi nag- unite na sila at iisa lang ang gusto nila. Walang iba kung hindi si *******. Sleeping with a broken heart9/29/2014 I can finally say that I have tried sleeping with a broken heart. I tell you no one would really ever call it sleeping because you can never sleep. If you ever really did fell asleep it is because your eyes have tired itself from crying. You really won't be able to help it because no matter how hard you try ugly scenarios creep into your consciousness making you cry even if you don't want to. Then there are the waking hours, the moment you wake up you end up thinking about those sad thoughts from the night before making you cry again.
I have tried distracting myself by reading, but I just find myself crying even if it was a happy book. The happy memories that are never going to happen again just suddenly make me depressed sending me to another wave of crying. It has even gotten worse when I am alone, I read past conversations between us making me weep in my room with the knowledge that I have become alone in the world. Living life has just become distasteful for me I am actually contemplating on illegal drugs. :( AuthorShe thinks she is an incredible writer. This space's purpose is just to have a place where she could dump the garbage on her mind without her mother's snooping. Archives
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