Revisit Past Dramas
Orson's Farm: the road to Depression12/22/2014 I have been so busy at work, imagine working with a supertyphoon for 2 days, then your boss will announce that unfortunately pre- shift OTs will be implemented. You will be at the office for almost 12 hours hearing nothing but unanswered calls worrying about targets, then repeat for two weeks. So when I had the chance to file for a leave (without pay) for the holidays I took advantage of it of course.
What I didn't expect was the extent of my problems' effect on me. Before I went to work, I was like Bella in New Moon when Edward left her. I was staring blankly in space. I didn't have any appetite, I would be in my room crying my eyes out, I sleep early now, not because of habit but because my eyes were too tired from all the crying. I even had desperate thoughts in my mind. Before I wanted to slash my wrists and start using illegal drugs. Now, I wanted to hurl myself off on an oncoming train. I was probably tired of that new persona I created especially for work. There is this stabbing pain in my heart, I do know where it comes from and it's so hard and painful to continue on life like this. How could a person that I have loved so much, make me feel this pain? How could a person whose flaws I have accepted and loved not give me a chance when I asked for it? It's not that I am counting off the things I have done wrong vs. the the things he did wrong, but it's just so hard to understand. Why did I get replaced? Because I wasn't there? Because I didn't have the time? Yes I know it was my fault. But is that enough reason to reach out and flirt with another person and fall in love? It's not that I was enjoying my time alone without him, The time I couldn't spend with him was mostly spent on thinking and worrying about if he has enough time to rest, if he has been eating right, if he has time to enjoy his life. Yeah, sure it was my fault I am not the communicating type. It was my fault that every time we had time to talk we end up arguing. I did explain my side of the story and he said he understands. If only I had known that understanding meant, he would just reach out and flirt with another, I wouldn't be trying so hard balancing my love with my ambitions. Then I would just find out that I have been too late, that there is nothing I could do. I didn't even had the chance to show him that I love him so much. Then he goes and tells me, that his world doesn't revolve around me anymore, that he has been avoiding me because he hopes that I would just forget him, that he is tired of me and that now I must go on with life alone, . Plus I have seen him flirt with that girl and I know that I would never ever be able to compete with her. She's obviously prettier and more sociable, probably smarter, and bonus points to the fact that when he contacts her she can text right away because she never had problems loading, and she has no problems going place to place because her parents would allow her to go to all the places she likes, very not like me. I would have to always try to avoid my parents every time I had to go to his place when he needs my presence. I don't know how long I can do this, i'm sure as hell I wouldn't be able to do what he has just done. I couldn't just move on with another guy, that is just not me, even with material things like clothes or shoes, I always stick to what I want, and as of the moment he is what I want. No other person will ever be able to compete with him in my heart in the same way I wouldn't be expected to win against his new object of affection. I have tried so many times in the past to drive him out of my system, if I wasn't able to do it before how could I be expected to do it this time?
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Orson's Farm: the Death of Me12/18/2014 There is no way I would be able to survive this the "Shan Cai" way. Kahit anong gawin ko para ipaglaban yung nararamdaman ko tatanggihan nya pa rin ako. Alam ko kasi nangyari na to dati. Naulit na to e, nandito na naman kasi sa point na ako lang yung may gusto sa kanya. Yung kahit anong gawin kong papansin sa kanya walang effect or worse balewala lang. Kaya ano pa nga bang magagawa kung kindi ang maging si Bella. Si Bella na nakatingin lang sa malayo. Si Bella na ang pwede lang gawin ay mag imagine na nasa tabi nya si Edward kahit hindi totoo.
Nung una kong nabasa yung Twilight, nakita ko na, na ako si Bella at sya yung Edward ko. Tingin lang ang pwede kong gawin, hindi ako pwedeng lumapit sa kanya kahit gustong- gusto ko. Sa di malamang kadahilanan kasi pag lalapit ako lumalayo sya. Ngayong nandito na ko sa part na iniwan na ko ni Edward, lahat ng pinagdaanan ni Bella, pinagdadaanan ko na rin. Umaalis ako ng bahay ng tulala, bigla na lang akong umiiyak habang bumabyahe, sya lang ang iniisip ko kahit office hours. Minsan makita ko lang yung pangalan nya kahit hindi sya yun, naiiyak na ko kasi alam ko sa sarili ko na handa ankong ipagpalit lahat ng meron ako ngayon, makasama ko lang ulit sya. Maraming tao ang nagsasabi gamitin ang utak wag ang puso. Sorry na lang kayo kasi yung puso at isip ko united, iisa ang gusto, Sya. Bago matulog sa gabi, naiisip ko sya, habang natutulog ako sya lang palagi ang nasa panaginip ko, pag nagising ako sya lang din ulit maiiisip ko. Ang sabi sa school maraming sides ang isang tao. Ako iisa na lang ang side ko, kasi nag- unite na sila at iisa lang ang gusto nila. Walang iba kung hindi si *******. Y.E.C12/14/2014 Last night I went to our company's Christmas party or the Year End Celebration. I went as early as I could since I missed a lot last Y.E.C from another company because I was late, and I really wanted to be part of the V.I.P list. I was early this time that the guards wasn't even allowing guests to enter the venue yet, but I didn't really care because I was handed a VIP pass. Since, my colleagues arrived later than the cut- off to be considered a VIP I was able to enjoy being alone, although I had to be conscious of their need to see and bond with me. So to balance my alone time and their need to be with me, I decided to eat alone in the VIP area and watch the proceedings of the programme in the commoner's area. Anyways, VIPs have their own buffet table, mobile bar, and washrooms that you can have all to yourself. I would say that it is an introvert's dream, there is not much people. You could have the whole table, and buffet area for yourself. Now that we are on the topic of food, it's time to compare and criticize. First up, I like feeling like a food critic and I blame it all on watching those cooking contests on TV, they really do make you act like a food critic when you eat. So what did I think? Well, i like this buffet better than my last experience in another company. Why? I like the fact that we were encouraged to go for seconds, when I tried to do that last year, I was informed that we can only come back once, because there might not be food for everyone, which is silly of , course why the hell even bother calling it a buffet then? Next, the flavor, my top choice was the chicken dish, it was heaven. Tasty, moist and the hearty serving, it is definitely my top choice. Bottom pick would be the fish fillet (too dry), and the buttered vegetables (overcooked). Weird food award goes to the beef dish. I knew it was beef because it said so on the label, but it tasted like pork. So I thought, maybe there was something wrong with me. Thank God, my companions on the table, were loudly debating the same thing. One said it's pork because it tasted like one. Another said, it's beef because it's hard to chew. Anyways, I avoided that dish when I got hungry again.
Then there were the performances, which I enjoyed on my VIP view. Of course, I became a critic (can't help it). It really is a different view up there. You could see if they have the same timing, or who got the steps wrong. Sadly, my team sucked. But, hey at least my bet won. Sadly, they only invited one band to perform, that was one attraction I enjoyed from my last year's experience. The rest they left it to an invited DJ. Aside from the lack of bands that performed, I was disappointed that they didn't give company merchandise, I was really looking forward to it. Thankfully, my colleagues were understanding enough that if I went to the VIP area to spend time with myself they didn't mind(or maybe not, I would find out on Monday). Plus, when I said no to the booze offered they didn't push me. The part I hated the most was when my mom called and texted, she really must think i'm too helpless to keep myself out of harm's way. I wasn't planning to go home last night. It was my fault I shouldn't have said that I was only going to a Christmas party. I can't wait to move out. But hey, at least the party was OK. (for more pictures click the button below) AuthorShe thinks she is an incredible writer. This space's purpose is just to have a place where she could dump the garbage on her mind without her mother's snooping. Archives
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