Revisit Past Dramas
Quarantine State of Mind7/19/2020 All right! I know, I haven't been writing in such a loooong time. Well, I was busy with my new job and am actually happy I got that job. So, what happened that made me go back to this um, state of consciousness? Well, the answer is 2020. Yes, 2020 came and it did not just come with a bang. It brought along change not only to me but also to the world. With the spread of the 2019 Novel Coronavirus infecting everyone in it's way with Covid- 19 you can definitely say that the world is never going to be the same.
So, what happened? Well, with the virus killing hundreds of thousands of people, the world decided to set a new standard of living or a new normal as everyone calls it. No one leaves their homes except when necessary, mandatory wearing of face masks, washing of hands, and my personal favorite social distancing. Yes, social distancing. It basically means you have to be about 6 feet away from another person if ever you'll go out the house. Now you may ask, how does one commute to work? The answer to that is, Work from Home scheme. Honestly, I love it. Imagine never gonna be able to see the faces of your officemates you don't want to see. Never waking up early just so you won't get caught up in the traffic, not having to dress up to work. It all really sounds wonderful. But, is it really? Like all things in life one can't just have it all, there are also downsides to this setup. Obviously, there are still people you would want to see, places to go, experiences you just can't have within the four walls of your house. With the new normal, you can only have these online. It really does take a toll on you in the long run. After all, there are still things you just can't do virtually. For now, all we can do is hope that everyone will come out of this pandemic as better individuals.
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Once Upon a December12/23/2017 It has been years, and yet the changes are still permanent. Others may be excited about the prospect of the oncoming holiday cheer. But not me, the holidays have a different effect on me. Others feel happiness, I feel an onslaught of pain.
It has always been like this for me ever since. I thought it will be gone soon, this feeling of pain brought about by memories I thought were long gone. For eleven months I feel no pain, no emotion except for one month, December. This is the month I fear the most. The only time of the year that I feel everything, The only month I get to have feelings. Suddenly I would feel love for friends, family, and even strangers, pain from old wounds resurface. December is the time of the year I suffer quietly alone. I know it's strange for me to feel this way. I didn't want it to be this way either, it just happened. What am I to do? No one will understand this personal struggle, not even me. It's very dangerous to have these thoughts I know. Unfortunately, all I could do is hope that December ends as fast as it can. Orson's Farm: the road to Depression12/22/2014 I have been so busy at work, imagine working with a supertyphoon for 2 days, then your boss will announce that unfortunately pre- shift OTs will be implemented. You will be at the office for almost 12 hours hearing nothing but unanswered calls worrying about targets, then repeat for two weeks. So when I had the chance to file for a leave (without pay) for the holidays I took advantage of it of course.
What I didn't expect was the extent of my problems' effect on me. Before I went to work, I was like Bella in New Moon when Edward left her. I was staring blankly in space. I didn't have any appetite, I would be in my room crying my eyes out, I sleep early now, not because of habit but because my eyes were too tired from all the crying. I even had desperate thoughts in my mind. Before I wanted to slash my wrists and start using illegal drugs. Now, I wanted to hurl myself off on an oncoming train. I was probably tired of that new persona I created especially for work. There is this stabbing pain in my heart, I do know where it comes from and it's so hard and painful to continue on life like this. How could a person that I have loved so much, make me feel this pain? How could a person whose flaws I have accepted and loved not give me a chance when I asked for it? It's not that I am counting off the things I have done wrong vs. the the things he did wrong, but it's just so hard to understand. Why did I get replaced? Because I wasn't there? Because I didn't have the time? Yes I know it was my fault. But is that enough reason to reach out and flirt with another person and fall in love? It's not that I was enjoying my time alone without him, The time I couldn't spend with him was mostly spent on thinking and worrying about if he has enough time to rest, if he has been eating right, if he has time to enjoy his life. Yeah, sure it was my fault I am not the communicating type. It was my fault that every time we had time to talk we end up arguing. I did explain my side of the story and he said he understands. If only I had known that understanding meant, he would just reach out and flirt with another, I wouldn't be trying so hard balancing my love with my ambitions. Then I would just find out that I have been too late, that there is nothing I could do. I didn't even had the chance to show him that I love him so much. Then he goes and tells me, that his world doesn't revolve around me anymore, that he has been avoiding me because he hopes that I would just forget him, that he is tired of me and that now I must go on with life alone, . Plus I have seen him flirt with that girl and I know that I would never ever be able to compete with her. She's obviously prettier and more sociable, probably smarter, and bonus points to the fact that when he contacts her she can text right away because she never had problems loading, and she has no problems going place to place because her parents would allow her to go to all the places she likes, very not like me. I would have to always try to avoid my parents every time I had to go to his place when he needs my presence. I don't know how long I can do this, i'm sure as hell I wouldn't be able to do what he has just done. I couldn't just move on with another guy, that is just not me, even with material things like clothes or shoes, I always stick to what I want, and as of the moment he is what I want. No other person will ever be able to compete with him in my heart in the same way I wouldn't be expected to win against his new object of affection. I have tried so many times in the past to drive him out of my system, if I wasn't able to do it before how could I be expected to do it this time? Orson's Farm: the Death of Me12/18/2014 There is no way I would be able to survive this the "Shan Cai" way. Kahit anong gawin ko para ipaglaban yung nararamdaman ko tatanggihan nya pa rin ako. Alam ko kasi nangyari na to dati. Naulit na to e, nandito na naman kasi sa point na ako lang yung may gusto sa kanya. Yung kahit anong gawin kong papansin sa kanya walang effect or worse balewala lang. Kaya ano pa nga bang magagawa kung kindi ang maging si Bella. Si Bella na nakatingin lang sa malayo. Si Bella na ang pwede lang gawin ay mag imagine na nasa tabi nya si Edward kahit hindi totoo.
Nung una kong nabasa yung Twilight, nakita ko na, na ako si Bella at sya yung Edward ko. Tingin lang ang pwede kong gawin, hindi ako pwedeng lumapit sa kanya kahit gustong- gusto ko. Sa di malamang kadahilanan kasi pag lalapit ako lumalayo sya. Ngayong nandito na ko sa part na iniwan na ko ni Edward, lahat ng pinagdaanan ni Bella, pinagdadaanan ko na rin. Umaalis ako ng bahay ng tulala, bigla na lang akong umiiyak habang bumabyahe, sya lang ang iniisip ko kahit office hours. Minsan makita ko lang yung pangalan nya kahit hindi sya yun, naiiyak na ko kasi alam ko sa sarili ko na handa ankong ipagpalit lahat ng meron ako ngayon, makasama ko lang ulit sya. Maraming tao ang nagsasabi gamitin ang utak wag ang puso. Sorry na lang kayo kasi yung puso at isip ko united, iisa ang gusto, Sya. Bago matulog sa gabi, naiisip ko sya, habang natutulog ako sya lang palagi ang nasa panaginip ko, pag nagising ako sya lang din ulit maiiisip ko. Ang sabi sa school maraming sides ang isang tao. Ako iisa na lang ang side ko, kasi nag- unite na sila at iisa lang ang gusto nila. Walang iba kung hindi si *******. orson's Farm8/26/2014 And so it ends. The story that started sometime ago like a dream has reached its finale. I for one, never imagined that this will be its ending. I can only deny that it was coming so I tried to better things. Hardships were endured but they were endured for a reason, to keep us together. Just when I thought that I was doing a very good job, he dropped the bomb on me. Sure he mentioned the reason why he was dropping me like a hot pancake, but somehow it didn't make any sense. Sure he said that he has eyes for another girl and now that is all I see which is the most probable reason why I suddenly feel like i'm nothing to this world.
It make look like i'm getting too dramatic but this experience has helped me see that i do not have an emotional range of a teaspoon. Who would have thought that I am capable of surviving one wave of the emotional roller coaster ride of a normal human being? I for one thought that I don't have enough hormones in my body let alone be controlled by those said hormones. I would have loved to fight for my rightful place in his heart. I would gladly do it, seeing him fight for me before when I was the weak one. But, since he has found another all I could do right now is watch from a distance and try to move on alone. AuthorShe thinks she is an incredible writer. This space's purpose is just to have a place where she could dump the garbage on her mind without her mother's snooping. Archives
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